When your own name haunts you
by White-eyes-and-nightmares
Summary: The paladins didn't know her real name, she doesn't know who she is. She's losing herself. One shot. Possible two shot. Please take time out of your day to read. Have a wonderful day!


It wasn't odd that the subject had never come up. The paladins always had something to do, they never had much time to even think about things like this.

Pidge was always what they called her. Among lance and hunk, it wasn't a name that stood out. When Matt came back with pidge, she forgot to tell him a minor detail, and it startled the other paladins even more than pidge ever thought it would. They had never discussed what her real name was, and it really never came across to her that she should tell them.

Matt stepped out of the green lion after his sister, and immediately saw her friends. They looked nice- but Matt was taken by surprise at the beauty that was allura. After seeing the look in lances eyes, Matt took a step back, only to find shiro. He was pulled onto a hug, and Matt couldn't have been happier. Matt had been so worried about shiro ever since he saved him in the arena.

"Thank you all for looking after Katie" Matt spoke.

The word Katie rang in the paladins ears (and alteans too) for a second, and pidge froze. You could hear a pin drop. Only pidge, and shiro knew her true name out of all the others on the team. Lance was the first to speak.

"Katie? I thought your name was pidge?" lance sounded a little hurt.

Pidge didn't know how to handle this. Pidge had been her name for so long, and the name Katie was almost foreign to her.

Pidge grabbed Matt's hand and went straight into the castle. When they arrived, he turned to pidge to find her pale as a vampire. "What's wrong? What? Did I do something? Katie tell me!"

She didn't know what was wrong with her. She was so mad at herself and so scared and embarrassed and she wished he had just said pidge. "Matt, they think my name is pidge.. I don't know what to do."

When Matt didn't reply, she continued. " when I was in the garrison, I assumed the identity of pidge gunderson. After that, I met lance and hunk. And then the others. They don't know me before pidge. They don't know who I was before kerberos. I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like-" pidge trailed off, covering her face with her hand. "I feel like I've lost who I was."

The last time Matt had seen pidge was before he had left for kerberos. She had long hair, a dress, and was smiling. This person before him had gone through the pain of losing him and their father, and missing their mother, and being in space. The person before him was broken. Matt had no idea what to do. "Katie.." he gasped out. It pained him to see her like this.

Pidge started to cry. She had been holding herself together for so long, but right now, she crumbled. And all Matt coukdnt do was watch. Matt moved to hug her, but before he made it she stopped, wiped her face, and whispered " Why am I so messed up?" Matt put a calming hand on her back, but she stood up, and walked away. Matt knew better than to follow her when she was like this, so he took to exploring the castle alone. He really didn't know what he did wrong. Did he call her Katie? She said something about it.. Maybe ? After a little while, he found the kitchen, and saw hunk and lance talking about movies. When they saw Matt, they both stopped immediately and started to ask pidge related questions. Matt was trying not to give too much away, Abd eventually they calmed down. " Is her name really Katie?" said lance, the word seeming odd on his tongue.

"Yeah? I thought you guys knew. Im surprised she didn't tell yall." Matt was going to say more but hunk cut him off" wait, were is pidge- or Katie? Um, whatever where is the green paladin." it was then that Matt knew, he messed up.

" I...don't...know?" lance and hunk dropped everything they were doing and went to find her. It was amazing, Matt didn't know how much they cared. Only a few minutes passes until they reached her door, finding her room empty, they went to greens hangar.

They found pidge working on tech for her lion there, and they bombarded her with questions. "What's wrong? " " what are you doing?" "are you hungry?" pidge deflected them with cold words. "Im fine. Leave me alone." Matt had never heard her talk like that. Matt was scared of her. The others continued their questioning and pidge arubtly stood up, her chair screeching back, and she walked right past them, towards her room without a word.

 _Katie? Who really is Katie? I don't feel like Katie. Its wrong. Everything is wrong and she wanted it to stop._ As she locked her door, she went into the bathroom and stared at herself in the mirror. " who are you?" she stared at her messy, short hair, these glasses she always wore, _who am I?_

Knocks came from her door, and pidge reluctantly opened it. " we wanted to see if you were okay?" hunk sounded terrified. Matt looked worried. Lance looked hurt. Pidge looked fine. " don't worry guys, im fine." she used her cheery voice, but not too cheery, just right. It worked, and they all relaxed. " what's for dinner hunk?" she asked casually, and they began to talk normally. After a painful normal conversation, they left her alone, and pidge went back to her mirror. Who was this person? She didn't know. She's lost herself. She was so sure she was okay again. She lied.

 _ **The emotions before, now disappeared**_

 _ **Wind makes you soar, you make me fear**_

 _ **Subtle smiles, obvious lies**_

 _ **This is what happens inside my mind**_

 _ **This blessing , this curse.**_

 _ **Emotions only make things worse**_

 _ **These painful words**_

 ** _I've lost myself, it hurts so much_**

 ** _I've lost my life, i've lost my love_**

 _ **I will never be enough**_

 _ **I don't know who I am anymore.**_

A/N Might make a second part, depends on how much this receives. Hope you enjoyed!


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